COMING SOON: I am replacing this advice column with my
new BLOG! I can't wait!!

 

Vicki writes...

Dear Jenny,
My daughter is 14 years old and I know I'm not supposed to pry but I looked in her room and found a note she either wrote or got that ended with, "Let's get high." Well I'm no dummy and I know she must be smoking pot. But here's what I'm confused about. If I confront her, she'll know I was snooping. What's even worse is that I did some drugs in my past (not any more!) so how can I tell her not to do it when I did? Please help.

My response...

Dear Vicki,
Whatever you did in your past, don't let it keep you from being the best parent you can be. Your daughter doesn't need to know you were snooping which, by the way I don't see as a problem. Why not sit her down to have "the talk" about sex, drugs, and boys, etc. You don't have to confront her or tell her you found the note, just make it part of a larger conversation. If she knows about your past, focus on the negative impact that drugs had on you. Tell her it's a different world today with a lot more dangers than when you were a teenager. You know that's true. It's tougher than ever to be a parent and I know it's not easy but you can do this. Find your own way to advise her about boys, sex, and drugs. It's your job to give her the best direction you can and keep that little voice of yours in her head. And the next time she's confronted with a risky situation, let's hope your voice is the loudest one she hears.
Jenny

-------------------------------------------

Bobbie writes...

Dear Jenny,
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm dating this guy for almost 2 years now. His ex-wife uses their sons (19 & 21) to talk to him. The boys are grown and his 21-year-old lives with us. I have 2 daughters (18 and 22). If I want to know something I call them and NOT my ex! She won't! She has to call my man! He told me right before Valentines Day that she wanted him back and she was just using her boyfriend until she can get back on her feet again. When we moved in together she had a fit! She was soooo mad! I later found out from a friend of theirs that he told her they would be back together in 2 years. She has been in our home. And we started getting her junk mail! She has NEVER lived here so why are we getting mail with her name on it? She said she gets mail for him too! She keeps calling and sending him text messages which he clears from his messages except for her name. His phone rang the other day and it was a text from her saying that and he sends her emails of porn. WTF!!! He hides her messages and calls her when I'm not around! We were in Florida for Christmas and she called him to read The Night Before Christmas to him! Knowing we were together! Where was her boyfriend? Why couldn't she read it to him! He talks to her more then he does me.

My gut is telling me to watch out! I feel like I'm more a maid then a girlfriend! We only fight when her name comes up! I HATE her!!!!! I want to kick her fat ass soooooo bad! She even posted nude photos of herself online! She's about 300 pounds and 6 feet! Come on! He says I'm the best thing to happen to him but if so, why does he send her porn? Or emails! I love him but I don't know if I'm just over reacting. I know she's trying to come between us! Should I let her? I sold EVERYTHING to move here and be with him! I left all my friends and
family for this shit?!? When I called her she said this wasn't my home but her sons! WTF!!! Hell no! I work and their son doesn't! This is mine and my boyfriends home!!! No one else's!
Am I in the wrong here?

My response...

Dear Bobbie,
Are you wrong here? Yes! You are mad at the wrong person. Your boyfriend is totally disrespecting you by maintaining a relationship with his ex. HE is the one hiding her messages, saying he'll be back with her, sending her emails (and porn!), letting her come to your home, get mail there, accepting her calls and messages. How many signs do you need? She's only there because he wants it that way. He says you're the best thing to happen to him and it's true. You work, you clean his house, and you are letting him have a relationship with his ex. What guy wouldn't want that? Why are you letting him use you like that? If you gave up a lot for him, then he needs to give up his ex for you. Otherwise, find a man who doesn't want to play games.
Jenny

----------------------------------------------------------

Luke writes...

Dear Jenny,
I'm a 15 year old gay male. I've been with 7 older men. I'm currently in a
relationship with a 28 year old guy. He's really great and I love him very
much so. I told my family about him and they flipped. My grandmother
actually had the nerve to say he was a "pedophile." Although legally this is
true, I feel completely different; on our first date I wanted to become
intimate but HE was the one to say "that we need to take it slow and get to
know each other." I know there's a huge age gap but we love each other. He
wants to meet them and be a part of my life. I don't know how I'm going to
work that out though. I don't want to keep lying to my family but I'm not
backing out of this because of them. Please Tell Me What To Do Jenny...
Sincerely,
Luke

My response...

Dear Luke,
I hope you're not expecting me to support you in this because I can't. I applaud your family for taking issue with this relationship because it means they care about your wellbeing. Any sexual relationship between a 15-year-old and a 28-year old in unacceptable, and very likely illegal where you live. My reaction would be the same if this was a straight relationship so please be clear that it's not about your being gay. It's about an older person manipulating and taking advantage of someone vulnerable. It concerns me that you are the one who wanted to be intimate and I urge you to put your sex life on hold for a while. No one should be intimate on a first date, no matter what age. I'm guessing he says he wants to take it slow so he won't get arrested. Luke, I know your emotions are strong right now but please do not continue this relationship. If it's meant to be, wait until you're out of your teens - but I'm pretty sure by the time you're 20, you'll look back on this and see that everyone objected for good reason. The bigger issue is why have you been with 7 older men? What are you looking for from them that's missing from your life? A lot of young people give up sex to be accepted because they feel that's all they have to offer. I hope you can speak to a counselor or therapist and maybe talk this out and build up your confidence so you can build an appropriate relationship with someone close to your age, a relationship built on friendship and common interests. If it eventually leads to sex, then it won't be the only thing you have to give. If you were my son, this man would never be welcome in our home, and if he had sex with you, I would have him arrested. I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear but if this man truly cared about you, he would respect you enough to stay away. Don't lie to your family. You're clearly not in a position to see this man for who he is, but I hope you'll trust that some of us who are older and wiser are looking out for you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(July 8, 2009)

Anonymous writes...

Dear Jenny,
I am dating a great man however, his three teenaged children are rude, liars and just seriously are not worth trying with anymore. He has tried so hard with them but they do and say EVERYTHING their mother tells them. Our relationship is slowly ending because of them, something is always brewing and stirring amongst them. We were talking marriage and were very thankful to find each other again after all this time. How do I tell him it is over because of his children and his ex? I cannot take it anymore. I will miss him dearly and I need the correct words reminding him it is not him.
Thank you,
Anonymous

My response...

Dear Anonymous,
I have been exactly where you are. I was dating a great man with four children and I married him, too naive to know that his children would impact my life forever. Luckily, you are not married to him yet, and I can assure you that if you did marry, things would only get worse. But it seems you know that already. And my guess is he probably does too. I don't see any reason to blame anyone as that would serve no purpose except to alienate his family. If you care about him, then don't put him in the position of his kids being blamed for this relationship ending. My suggestion is to take the high road and tell him that this relationship is just too complicated and that you need to move on. But be firm and don't give him the opportunity to say how things will get better, etc... They won't. "I still care for you, but I don't see a future together for us." He'll know why and you'll be leaving with dignity and class. I wish you the best.
Jenny

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(May 20, 2009)

Vicky writes...

Dear Jenny,
I've been in a relationship for 2 yrs now (married) and I really love this dude but see here's the problem. I promised him that I would order this item off the internet for him and sometimes he'll keep asking me am I still gonna get it for him and I say yes but I think that sometimes he's mad at me because I didn't get it for him yet. I'm so confused and I feel that it's holding back our relationship. What should I do? And one more thing..like when me and him goes through things his best friend would come to me and say why I did this or why I didn't get the item for him and things like that and I've asked my husband to tell his friend to mind his business but it still goes on sometimes an I'm really fed up with it. And he says that he's told his friend to stop and mind his business but when something happens between me and him...oh lord... here comes his friend flipping on.. and I'm tired of it. What should I do about that?

My response...

Dear Vicky,
I believe people should keep their promises so if you promised to buy something for him, then you should do it. You owe that to your son... oh wait - he's not your son, he's your husband! Shouldn't he be buying things for you? Vicky, forgive me for being sarcastic, but your husband doesn't sound like a real man. Why can't he buy whatever he wants for himself? He's not a child. If you're supporting him then my guess is you are being used and he needs to get a job and contribute. My advice is don't make any more promises to your husband. What's holding back your relationship is that you are not partners and married people are supposed to be partners, sharing everything including money. And they are supposed to respect each other and he's not respecting you by allowing his friend to dis-respect you. If you really love this dude, maybe you should both sit down and go over what each person needs from this relationship and if he needs you to buy him things, maybe what you need is a better man.
Jenny

Jes writes...

Dear Jenny,
I am a divorced single mom of two boys ages 10 & 11. I also have a live in boyfriend. We have been together for about 3 years. The divorce hit my kids hard and they spent many months away from their father, who they see now once or twice a week. Lately the boys have been giving me a hard time, when I ask them to do something, I have to ask a few times before they do it, and they are constantly arguing with each other just like boys do, typical for their age. This makes my boyfriend crazy (who was an only child, raised by his grandparents, and doesn't know what it is like to have a brother or sister to argue with) and he gets so angry that he yells at my kids. This upsets me because his yelling scares them. He is very loud and talks very demeaning to them. He also watches my kids while I am at work and I end up getting phone calls all day long at work from them crying that he is yelling at them and punishing them. He has never hit them or anything like that. Now when they go visit their father, they tell him about the way my boyfriend acts and then he calls me and we end up fighting because I tell him that he has the right to send them to their room when they misbehave when I am not home. He feels that my new boyfriend has no right to do this and he tells my kids that the next time my boyfriend tells them to do something, to basically tell him to f* off... they don't tell my boyfriend that, but I get so angry because he is teaching my children to disrespect adults.

My boyfriend's actions get them so upset they cry to me and their father all the time about how much they hate my boyfriend and that they want to live with their dad and his new girlfriend. Whenever I am having a conversation with my kids, whether it's about something that happened earlier in the day, or an argument that my children had with each other, my boyfriend butts in from the other room and yells things like, "From now on when you two argue, you both will be punished." I get so frustrated because while I'm trying to resolve the problem with them, he doesn't have the right to butt in and then he and I argue when I tell him to butt out !!! (I don't tell him to butt out in front of the kids) He tells me that since he lives in the house, that he is affected by their behavior and has the right to say whatever he wants! I am so stressed, I don't even know what to do!!! Besides this issue, my boyfriend is very good to me and makes me happy. What do you suggest? Help!!
Jes

My Response...

Jes, this boyfriend has got to go. There are different kinds of abuse – physical and emotional. This bully is verbally and emotionally abusive, not just to your kids, but to you too. You say he doesn’t hit them but the way this is going, that’s probably just a matter of time. These poor kids must be overwhelmed right now. To begin with, they’re going through adolescence and that alone is tough enough. You said the divorce hit them hard so they are dealing with the loss of their dad and upheaval of their family. And now they have this loud and abusive guy scaring them – how would you feel? They tell you he scares them and you leave them alone with him all day? Why are you putting your children through this trauma?

I agree with your ex-husband that this boyfriend has no right to discipline your boys, but I would not suggest that the boys confront the bully either. I agree that your ex should not be teaching the kids to disrespect adults, but your boyfriend has no respect for you either. He butts into you conversations because you allow him to. When he says “he is affected by their behavior and has the right to say whatever he wants” I totally disagree. He does not have that right. He is just a visitor, a boyfriend, and a lousy one at that. Jes, the situation you’ve created is not healthy for your boys. You need to take back your role as parent and get this guy away from the boys. He needs to get his own place and if you can’t live without him, then see him on your own time, at his place. Remember too that children learn by example. Do you want your boys to grow up to be mean and abusive? By allowing that to happen in your home, you are sending the message that it’s okay but I think you know it’s not. That’s why you wrote to me. You say “besides this issue, he is good to you and makes you happy. 1) He is not good to you – he is abusive. 2) “This issue” is the most important thing in your life (the well being of your children) and needs fixing. 3) You are not happy. If you need a man in your life, you could probably find a better one. Don’t abandon your kids for him. This guy will be gone soon enough but your sons will be your sons forever. They have to come first. They need you to step up now. Eliminate the problem. Eliminate the boyfriend.
Jenny

..........................................................................................

Scherrie writes...

Dear Jenny,
I will be 47 next year, do you think that is too old to go back to school?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing what you think.
Namaste,
Scherrie

My response...

Scherrie, 47 too old? Absolutely not! I was 45 when I started my talk show. I'm 62 now and planning to go back to school to study nutrition. Go back to school and follow your dream. It will give you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

Jenny

......................................................................................................

Sara writes...

Dear Jenny,
Hi my name is Sara and I am 23 years old. For the past 4 1/2 years I've been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since my boyfriend and I broke up. He was my high school sweetheart, my first true love.. and I really loved him. Well we were on and off for awhile until he finally found a new girlfriend who he has been with for almost 2 years. I've been dating around, trying to find a new guy.. but the problem is I just keep getting too attached too quickly and I always seem to end up getting my heart broken. I feel almost desperate to find someone to love me again, but time after time it just keeps ending up in heartache for me. I'm beginning to think that I will never have a real relationship again. I dream of getting married and becoming a mom and I feel like time is just passing me by and all of my friends have boyfriends and some are already married with kids. I know 23 is still young, and my mom tells me I still have "time".. but what happens when I'm 40 years old and still alone? I don't know, I feel like maybe I never really got over my ex and it's hindering me from truly being happy. I mean don't get me wrong - there are guys who try to date me but all the nice guys I don't like, and all the bad guys I fall head over heels for. I'm just sick of crying myself to sleep at night and I want to find someone without pushing them away. Please help.. I don't know how much more of this loneliness I can take.

My response...

Dear Sara,
I can feel the pain in your words. Where do I start? If you've been truly depressed for 4 1/2 years, you probably should talk to a professional who can treat your depression. However, if you've just been moping for 4 1/2 years, that's a different story. I know it's tough to lose your first love - it happened to me too and I admit that I still think about him. But it's more wondering who he is today as a person. On a side note, I just heard from another old boyfriend that I was crazy about years ago, and now that he's older, he's a completely different (& not-so-nice) person - and not the Mr. Perfect I thought he was! But at the time he was my dream guy. People change as they get older, so even though teenagers are in crazy love, once they develop into adults, a lot of times they grow apart and find a more compatible partner. If you believe in fate, your ex is not the guy for you. I believe it's actually better NOT to be tied down at 23. In about 5 more years, you'll know better who you are and you won't need a man to validate you. Right now you're sounding desperate and nothing scares a good man away faster than a desperate woman. You even said you feel "almost desperate to find someone to love me again." My advice? Stop looking for a man. You don't need one right now. We need to find you first. Focus on your career, your work, and on yourself. You can choose not to be lonely. Go out with friends, join a gym, volunteer, take classes in something new, take a second job, do positive things and your self esteem will grow and you will soon be a new, confidant woman (the kind good men like). I think you keep falling for bad guys because that's all you think you deserve. Soon you'll be telling those bad guys to take a hike! If you build up your confidence, you won't feel like you "need" a man. And as soon as you don't need one, the right guy will find you.

Jenny

.............................................................................................................

"I Need Advice" writes...

Dear Jenny,
I'm a 24-year old straight-acting gay guy who came out only some 3 years ago and was confused for some time before that. I thought long and hard about my orientation and discovered that I was gay. Ever since then I've been comfortable with being gay. I've told the people I care about it (except my parents) and they've been completely ok with it, but that's not my problem. I live with housemates, all straight guys and I was rather close to one of them (he's known I'm gay for as long as I've known)... close as in we tell each other pretty much everything, joke around constantly, and a little touchy but in a man-to-man, friendly, non-romantic way. (don't get the wrong idea cause he has a very sweet girlfriend who I adore and they are one of the sweetest couples I've ever met).

I care for him as if he were my own flesh and blood, but a few weeks ago he started being so distant. He stopped joking around, stopped the touchy business which he usually initiates and whatever closeness that was there was lost. I thought I did something that I didn't notice because he was fine with my other housemates so I asked him if everything was ok and he told me there's nothing wrong. So I went on treating him as always even though he was still very distant and I hoped he was just having a very bad few weeks. After a few weeks I couldn't stand it and asked him again if I did anything wrong and that if I did I was very sorry. He assured me that I didn't do anything and he denies being distant. My friend says that he might have thought that I was coming on to him but I have never had such feelings for him. So what is it? It sucks to lose a friend for no good reason. And I've been avoiding him for the past few days hoping it'll do some good. Should I just forget it and pretend we were never close in the first place and get on with my life as far away from him as possible? Or should I just carry on trying to patch whatever needs patching up for whatever reason?

My Response...

Dear "I Need Advice,"
There are a few things in this situation that bother me, and the first one is not related to your question. You say you've told the people you care about that you're gay, but not your parents. Is it you who's not totally comfortable about it or them? How can you live an authentic life when you're hiding who you really are? Of course it's not easy telling your parents, but I hope you will consider freeing yourself fully and coming out to them, too. Now as for your friend, I hope somebody corrects me if I'm wrong, but straight guys simply do not do touchy feely stuff with other guys. They just don't; it makes them uncomfortable. I'll say it again: There is no such thing as man-to-man touchy feely between straight men. This leads me to think the problem is that he may be conflicted and that's why he's pulling away. He may have a girlfriend, but I know a lot of gay people who date, even marry, the opposite sex. But even if he's totally straight, the closeness seems to have made him uncomfortable. So here is my common sense take on this situation: He may be conflicted about his sexuality and not ready to deal with it. He needs time. He's being honest when he says you didn't do anything wrong. So accept that. What would be wrong is if you mention it to him again. You've asked him twice already so give him some space. I'm not done yet.

I think you do care for him... that way. To say you should "get on with my life as far away from him as possible" serms a bit dramatic for just a close friend. To answer your question, yes I think you should get on with your life and let this angst go. Let him be as much of a friend as he wants to be. If he doesn't feel your obsessiveness, he will come around and will feel free to be himself, whichever way that goes.

Jenny

Kayla writes...

Hey I'm Kayla. Only 15. Um well I found out I'm pregnant 3 months ago!!
I'm so very scared to tell my parents because my sister is 17 and they found
out and they are so pissed that she is pregnant! I need help!!
What should I do?

My Response...

Dear Kayla,
I think you already know what you have to do. It's not easy but you have to tell your parents, and do it soon. Eventually, they will find out and the sooner you tell them, the sooner you can get proper care and come up with a plan. You're very young and they can help you decide if you should consider adoption or if you and the father can be effective parents. Being a good parent means putting your child first, so make the decision based on what's best for this baby, and not what's difficult for you. Now that you're pregnant, there will be more challenges to face besides telling your parents so you might as well get this one behind you. I know it's not easy but there are times when we all have to do things in life that aren't easy and it's what helps us grow and build character. So be someone this baby will be proud of some day. Tell your parents. And do it now.
Jenny

"N" writes...

Jenny,
I need some advice. In the last 3 months I have had alot of bad things happen. I have gotten divorced after ten years of marriage because he hated my children who have reached the teenage years and have been a little difficult. He has no children of his own so it was much easier to hate. I choose my children, of course, and said good-bye to my marriage and my home. We moved to an apartment and I had to move everything myself because he said he would have my son arrested if he showed up on the property.

After that my son went into rehab (that has turned out to be a great thing), my 15 year old daughter had a breakdown and was hospitalized. This affected her first semester of her sophomore year and will need to repeat these classes. During her hospitalization I found out that she had been sexually abused by her stepbrother at her father's house. We have had meetings with DCFS and the Child Advocacy Association. I know that she is glad this
is out in the open, but emotionally this has been hard for me even though I know that while she was at her Dad's home I could not have done anything.

So we have been struggling financially through this. Doctor's visits, medicines, therapy, trying to set-up a household. And then the check that I thought would bring us to even this Friday was stolen in a robbery at my new apartment.

Why does this have to happen to us? I was adopted and grew up in an influential home, my father was a successful investment broker. I do not do drugs or drink alcohol. I love my children. I have a modest job. I had breast cancer 3 years ago and went through that with the strength of 1,000 men, but this is much worse than that. I want 2008 to be a better year. Is there something I am not doing right in my life for these things to continue to happen to us? I feel like I am being punished. Thanks for listening Jenny

My response...

Dear "N"...
There's no question you've had a lot to deal with and if you put everything else aside, having three teenage children is about all anyone should have to deal with. I also married a man with (4) teenage children and of course the marriage failed. I didn't come first but I was never going to. So it's no surprise your husband is gone. If your son is in rehab, chances are things were more than "a little difficult" but he's in the right place and can turn things around with help and support. It's sad to know that your daughter was abused but good that it's finally out in the open. You say you've had meetings but I hope you pressed charges against those responsible.

I wish I had something brilliant to tell you, but I can say that you are already on a better path. You're a proven survivor. You've survived breast cancer. You still have a roof over your head (a lot of people don't), your son is getting help, your daughter is getting help, and overcoming these adversities will likely make them both stronger. And they won't be teenagers forever. I was a troubled teen myself. I ran away from home twice and was arrested for shoplifting, but I made a comeback and so can they. It's not your fault. These are difficult times for most people - difficult financially, and a really tough time to be raising teenagers. You're not being punished, you're being challenged. And so far, you are meeting things head on. Continue being your strong self and things will get better.

Tom writes...

Dear Jenny,
I am a graduate student who is studying to be a spec ed teacher and have come back home to take care of my mother and father. They are in their 80's, and getting frail, but are mentally sharp and active. My question is this: would it matter to you if you were dating a guy who lives with and is taking care of his parents? I am the major caregiver as my sister and brother live in different states. Jenny, anyway thanks for listening. Thanks,

Tom

My Response...

Dear Tom,
I've always looked at how a guy treats his mother because if he treats her with respect, that's the way he will treat other women. You are one of the good guys. You are what real women are looking for: a guy with character and loyalty who's willing to make sacrifices for those he loves. Your parents are lucky to have you, but then they raised you this way. Not only is your living with your parents and taking care of them not a problem, it's something to be admired. Any woman who feels otherwise doesn't deserve you.

Jennifer writes...

Dear Jenny,
My boyfriend, John, and I have lived together for 4-1/2 years. It has not been a easy road. We fell in love and we both still have strong physical attractions to one another. Our sex life has been great, although it has slowed down. My problem started a couple of years ago when one of his ex-girlfriends (Brenda) contacts him after 20 years to say she's moving back to town. She was constantly calling him. One morning at 4 am I woke up to find him talking low to someone on the phone. I said, "Who are you talking to at this time?" He told her, "I have to go. Jennifer just woke up and there's going to be trouble. He told her he would talk to her later. Needless to say I had a fit. I could not believe it! A few minutes later the phone rings, he answers it, and it's her again. He said, "I told you I would talk to you later," and hung up.

I asked him what was going on. He said her mother was really sick and she was drunk. She called again. I was absolutely crushed. He will not tell her to quit calling because she has a boyfriend. He keeps talking to her behind my back and ended up at her house to visit her and her boyfriend. Finally, about six months ago he told her not to call here anymore because it caused problems. However, I found a couple of calls he has made to her. Now, another ex-girlfriend was looking for him on the website "Reunions." She sent him a e-mail saying she has never stopped fantasizing about him, even though she is married. She said she would really like to reconnect with him. John gives her the house phone number (he does not have a cellphone). She called and he told her this was not a good time to talk. So they converse back and forth with e-mails. This has been going on for about 5 months. I know because I went to open my e-mail and John's opened up. I know it was wrong for me to intrude, but whever I walk in he shuts down his email. I don't because I have nothing to hide.

Last week we were in a heated conversation and he blurts out... "Oh, by the way Brenda will be coming out here next month." I did not say a word, as my heart dropped to my stomach. Later, I asked him why he is doing this to me. It's not right. He should tell them that he is in a relationship and I don't like it. How should I deal with this? He tells me to quit crying because he's not doing anything wrong, and it's my problem, not his. I don't know what to do.

Jennifer

My Response...

Jennifer, do you really need me to tell you this guy is a dog? How many signs do you need? Secret phone calls? Giving a married woman your home phone number? Going to Brenda's house to see her and her boyfriend? Are you kidding me? Telling you she's coming to town!?! He's not even trying to hide his cheating ways. And are you supposed to be happy that he says he can't talk because Jennifer will get upset? How about, "I can't talk right now...or ever...because I am in a relationship with Jennifer who I love and respect. And I would never disrespect her by carrying on a secret relationship with anyone else." The only thing he's right about is that this is not his problem, it's yours because you are allowing him to disrespect you. Next late night phone call that doesn't end with the statement above, should be the last one. After that, go out and find a real man.

Anna writes...

I'm 16 years old and I'm in an awkward situation.. Okay I am adopted by my aunt and uncle... To give you a little back ground information.. my mothers a bi-sexual and she is a police officer.. she works 24/7 and she didn’t have time to take care of me when I was younger... anyways every since I can remember, my birth mom and my adopted parents don’t get along. It seems like there is always a problem... If there not fighting over me its over something dumb... Jenny I cant take it.. Around my adopted parents I say that I hate my mother and that I don’t want to be around her but that’s not the truth. I love my mother with all me heart but I don’t want to hurt my Adopted parents feelings... Please help me...

Sincerely,
Anna

My response...

First of all, you sound more grown up than the adults. They should be having their disagreements someplace else and not in front of you. But you are lucky that you were adopted by family, so I am happy to know that. It's tough growing up thinking your mom didn't have time for you. My mother was an alcoholic and was never there for me either so I think I can relate. In spite of all the bad things she said to me, I still loved her so I also understand that too. You can love someone but not like what they have done. You should probably start by being honest. You don't need to say you hate your bio-mom, in fact your parents probably know that you don't. It sounds like she's still in the picture so that makes her extended family. Tell your parents that just like you can love your cousins or aunts or uncles, you cal also love you bio-mom, but that doesn't mean you don't love them any less. As a bi-sexual working in mostly a man's world, I imagine your mother has had lots to deal with. And not raising you herself has to be touigh for her to deal with. I wish you could all get into family counseling, but you could start, as I said, by being honest. It's not always easy, but I have never in my life regretted being honest. In the end, just like me, this will make you strong.

"Sue" writes...

I'M A MOTHER OF ONE CHILD AND LIVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YEARS BUT HE'S VIOLENT. WHEN WE ARGUE. HE GETS SO ANGRY HE'S NOT THE SAME. WE BROKE UP A FEW TIMES BUT WE ALWAYS GET BACK TOGETHER. HE HITS ME, PUNCHES ME AND SAYS LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. HIS FATHER WAS VIOLENT TOWARDS HIS MOTHER AND THEY DIVORCED. I KNOW HE HAD A BAD CHILDHOOD BUT I DONT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO SEE VIOLENCE ANYMORE. I LOVE HIM AND IT'S HARD FOR ME. I DONT WANT ANY MORE KIDS WITH HIM BECAUSE I DONT WANT MORE CHILDREN BROUGHT UP IN VIOLENCE. HE'S VERY NICE WHEN WE DON'T ARGUE BUT I ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH OUT NOT TO SAY AND DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM ANGRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

"Sue"

My Response...

Dear Sue,
Your letter made me sad, especially for your daughter. This is not a good way for either you or her to live. I'm sure you know that if your daughter sees you being hit, she will assume it's normal and could wind up being a battered woman herself. It's never okay for a man to hit a woman and you need to be strong to do what you know you need to do. You say that you broke up a few times which tells me that it's safe for you to leave. Otherwise, you must be very careful because it can be dangerous for battered women to leave certain men. If he let you leave peacefully in the past, then you must do it, but do it differently. Let him know very clearly that you will no longer allow yourself or your daughter to live with his violence. Be firm. Be strong. He needs to know you mean it and there will be no more "trying." Tell him if he loves you, he needs to get anger management counseling, and only then will you even consider seeing him again, and he will still need to prove himself. In other words, he can't just say he's fine now and you move back in. If he addresses HIS problem, then you can slowly start dating again. If he refuses, move on. He does not love you. He is a horrible role model for your daughter. And it could get more dangerous for you. This will not get better unless you take a stand. But be careful. If you have any fear that he won't let you leave without retaliation, then only do it with outside help. Do it for yourself and for your daughter.

"Overprotected" Writes...

Hi, Jenny. I've been dating this guy for over a year. He's 21 and I'm 18. My parents don't really let me out and when they do, I have to be home at 8. They're very strict and don't want anything to happen to me. I understand that I'm living under their roof and have to follow their rules, but shouldn't I be able to just be a teenager and have fun with my friends and bf? I love him a lot and have been fighting to be with him but it's really getting hard lately. He told me if I can't see him more we'll have to break up. He said we could still be friends but I still want to be his girlfriend. What can I do or say to my parents so that I can keep my relationship with my boyfriend and my parents strong.

Always,
"Overprotected"

My Response...

Dear Overprotected,

I agree that your parents are overprotective. At 18 years old, a lot of kids have left home to live on their own. I know I did. A curfew of 8 pm seems extreme but you must know they are doing this out of love. Unless your boyfriend is a bad guy, like a drug-user or is promiscuous, you may be able to negotiate with your parents. As a start, why not suggest double-dating with two other family members that they trust. Once they get used to that, try going to an evening movie with just your bf, tell your parents where it is, what time it's over, and then come right home. If they can take it slowly like that, you might have some success. I also suggest having your guy over to spend time with your parents and let them know him. Maybe if they knew him better, they would loosen up a bit. It's my opinion that by overprotecting you, they are not helping prepare you for the real world, where you will have to deal with things on your own. If you're a student, maybe you could try living on campus. If not, and you have a job, maybe it's time to move out.

Jenny

"Stay-Over Sister" Writes...

Dear Jenny,

I’m 16 years old and my sister recently got married and moved about half and hour from our house. I often go and stay at her house for a few days. Sometimes she and my brother in-law sneak off into their bedroom. I don't know for sure but my guess is they're having sex. This usually happens in the middle of the day. It makes me very uncomfortable because their apartment is quite small and their bedroom is next to the living room. I usually just turn up the tv or something. Should I confront her about it? I know they're newlyweds but it makes me so uncomfortable. What should I do?

"Stay-Over Sister"

My Response...

Dear "Stay-Over Sister,"

My guess is that your guess is right. They probably are having sex, which is perfectly normal, and they are doing it at home. Behind closed doors. In their own house. So what’s to confront her about? You’re the company. They’re having fun. Sex in the afternoon? They are definitely having fun. If it makes you uncomfortable, the next time you see them headed for the bedroom, give them some privacy. Just say, “Hey, you guys! I’m going to run out to the store. I’ll see you in a while!” They’ll know that you know and you’ll know that they know that you know and everybody can relax.

You can go to a bookstore, a library, the mall, or just go for a walk. You might burn up as many calories as they are. That way they have their privacy, you won’t be embarrassed and no one’s feelings will be hurt.

California Fan writes...

Hi, Jenny,

A few years ago, my wife and I decided to make a new start for our 2 kids and moved from California to Arizona. Since then, my mother passed away and my dad moved out of his house, but kept it, and got a smaller place for himself. He really wanted us to move into the old house, which we did. He had given a few of my mom's things away but the rest is still in the house. We are trying to move in after 2 months but still have not unpacked our belongings. My dad lived in this house for 30 years and out of respect for him, we do not throw or give anything away without asking him first. Some of it is his old stuff that he hasn't used in 15 years but he won't throw it away. It gets worse. Like I said, it's his house and on a daily basis he storms into what is our room now, he goes through things and yells at me or my children because things are not exactly the way he left them. I can't live like this much longer. I gave up a well paying job with lower living expenses in Arizona and moved back here so my father would not be alone and end up a bitter old man. I'm almost at my wit's end.

"California Fan"

My Response...

Dear California Fan

First of all, I admire you for respecting your dad, as frustrating and difficult as it must be. I also understand how lost he must be without his partner. Clearly, moving into his old house was not the best idea. It might have worked if you had made a clear agreement to empty the house, change the locks, and live there as a renter would, but he doesn't seem ready to let things go. You can't continue to live there under these conditions. The question is, what's the best way to fix it? It seems to me he might be happier living in his old house with all his memories, so maybe you could suggest that to him. You might even find out he regrets moving out but doesn't want to ask you to leave. Or maybe he'd be open to putting their old belongings in storage so it will feel more like your place and he won't be upset with your "invasion." Arizona is not too far from California so I would also consider moving back. Or if you want to be closer to your dad, move to another place across town. Tell him there are many reasons why it's not working and offer to help him either sell or rent the old house, or move him back in, whatever he wants. Whatever option you choose, you really have to make a change. Living in this stressful environment is not healthy for your family, or your dad.

Craig writes...

Hey, Jenny,

My parents have been moaning at me to get a job, however, I'm finding it extremely difficult to do so. Two years ago I lost a close friend and was forced to come out about my sexuality to my parents. I already had a history of panic attacks and they were exacerbated by the pressures. This caused psychological problems which I'm still finding hard to deal with due to the strain I was put under. I returned to education only find discrimination and harrassment from my fellow students which made me leave. My parents don't seem to understand how difficult it is to take the plunge and work because I'm scared of people hating me. I just feel like nobody understands who I am any more, and my parents don't seem to understand what I'm going through. I just don't know what to do any more.

Craig

My response...

Dear Craig,

To be honest, at first I thought you were just using the loss of your friend and discrimination as excuses not to get a job. But then I realized that panic attacks are real so my guess is that even without the loss of your friend and coming out, you might still be in the same place, emotionally. They say it takes two years to overcome someone's death so you should be able to start moving on from that. If you came out to your parents and you're still living at home, they must be accepting of your sexuality. In fact you're lucky they are supporting you and I happen to agree that you need to start facing the realities of life and get a job. An interesting job will also help take the focus off the negative things you've been dwelling on. And there will always be people who might not like you but that happens to everyone. As many fans as I had on television, I also got hate mail but I knew I was a good person so I didn't let it dictate my life. As a gay man, you are bound to face discrimination but you can't run away from it. Your parents are trying to motivate you out of love and I believe it's time for you to take action. You may need some counseling to do it, so if you really can't deal emotionally with the real world, then set up some counseling this week. Show your parents that you are making the effort. You either have to take the plunge and get a job and learn to deal with life's issues, or start counseling to help prepare you for your future. The worst thing you can do is nothing.

"A Mother Confused" writes...

Jenny,

I am a 19 year old mother of two boys. My ex and I are not together. We actually kind of still despise each other because of our past-he cheated on me. Our son's 3rd birthday is coming up so I told him we should have a party and his girlfriend would be invited (the one he cheated on me with and then cheated on her with me). They have a daughter together and that's my son's sister, but he doesn't want to have the party because the kids are two weeks apart and he doesn't want his girlfriend to know he cheated. But if she was to come to the party, it's not like there's going to be a confrontation. What do you think I should do?

"A Mother Confused"

My Response...

Dear Mother Confused,

I think you should have a nice kids' birthday party for your son and invite all his friends. Have balloons and cake and make it a fun day for your 3-year old. Leave the adults out of it. If you "despise" your ex, why in the world would you want to have the party with him? And his girlfriend? I don't get it. Your son is three and the girlfriend doesn't know what's up? I would stay away from her and her daughter and not think of the kids as brother and sister. But try to work out your differences with your ex so that your 3-year old has his dad in his life. Hopefully, your ex will grow up and become a better role model for his kids.

"Very Confused" writes...

Dear Jenny,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He has some control issues and is very jealous. Sometimes the fighting is just verbal and sometimes it does become violent. Everything I do is wrong, according to him. I don't dress the way he wants me to and we argue over our kids. I have one of my own and he has 2 by 2 different women. He says my daughter is mean and hateful, but I still love him. I've left him a few times but I always came back thinking if I stay and work harder, maybe we can make it. Now he says he won't put anything into this relationship any more and if I can't do only the things he allows me to do, then he'd rather be without me. He's really not a bad person and has some likeable qualities. I'm stressed out and depressed and I don't know what to do. I feel this is affecting my daughter, too. So, where do I go from here?

"Very confused"

My Response...

Dear "VeryConfused,"

I see so many red flags in your letter and they all mean this is not a good place for you. This man does not love you, no matter what he says; he just wants someone he can own. So, do you want to be a piece of property or do you want to be treated with respect? Which footsteps do you want your daughter to follow? If she sees a man demean you or hit you, she'll think it's okay. It is not okay, not ever. You are her role model and I think you know this is not good for her. It's also not good for you. I don't believe in your heart that you love him, I think you're still there because there is a certain safety in a familiar situation, even when it's a bad one. And don't defend him. I'm sure Hitler had some likeable qualities too but he was a bad person. You deserve to be happy and your daughter needs to feel safe. When a man has control issues it can be dangerous to leave so I am not saying pack your bags. But if you left before and came back on your own, maybe it will be safe to leave again - you have to make that judgment carefully. If he really says he'd rather be without you and doesn't care, and only if you're sure he won't want his "property" back, then take the opportunity to leave and create a positive and healthy environment for you and your daughter. And wait for the right man to come along - one that respects you and loves you unconditionally.

Lilly writes...

Dear Jenny,

I like this guy I work with and he likes me too. But he has always said he would never date anyone he works with. We have gone out to groups and socially but I want to be more than just friends. I don't think our personal lives would interfere with work, but he says he doesn't want to cause trouble. I know he likes me because he acts like it at work but I don't see why he won't date me. I really like him but I don't think I should have to quit my job in order to pursue a relationship with him. What do you think?

My response...

Dear Lilly,

It sounds to me like you are seeing more in this relationship than really exists. Think about it. If a guy you worked with came on to you and you weren't interested, all you'd have to say is, "I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with a co-worker." An easy out. No hurt feelings. End of story. I think that's what he's doing. If he really wanted you, he would find a way to be with you. So don't quit your job. And look for a guy who wants you bad. That would be good.

"Messed Up Mommy" writes...

Dear Jenny,

I'm pregnant with twins and I'm also dating two guys. I don't know which one is the father but both of them want full time custody of the twins. I don't want the babies so would it be okay to give one to each guy? They would both be loving fathers.

Messed Up Mommy

My Response...

Dear Messed Up Mommy,

First of all, do not split the twins up. It's unthinkable to even consider splitting them up. They need to grow up together so here is what I suggest. First, tell the guys that as soon as the babies are born you will get a paternity test. It's theoretically possible that there are two different fathers but not likely. Once the father is determined, and if he can be a responsible parent and can provide a loving and stable home for the children, then the twins may be better off with him and his family. But I'm hoping you will find your maternal instincts and choose to be the mother these babies need. The best scenario is to have both parents raise these twins. Otherwise, adoption may be a good option, but only if the twins stay together. Please make sure they grow up together, in a home where they are wanted and loved.

"Anonymous" writes...

Jenny,

I just found out something Very shocking to me!!
I found out my father is GAY! I have no idea how to act. I mean I don't think you can just change from being married for 14 years amd having 3 children to living with another man and doing god only knows what!
Please help me overcome this BIG change in my life.

Thanks.

My Response...

Dear Friend,

If you're having a hard time with the fact that your father is gay, just imagine how difficult it has been for him. We still have a long way to go for gays and lesbians to live without harassment and discrimination, much of which comes from their own families. So try to understand how difficult his coming out had to be.

He's had to deal with the reactions of his friends, co-workers, family, and most importantly, his children. He needs your love and support now more than ever. He is still your dad, he is still the same person except now he has decided to live his life true to himself. That decision takes a lot of courage.

I can assure you that somewhere in your group of friends is a kid who is questioning his or her sexuality, or who may be confused about it. It could be your best friend. So if one day a friend tells you he or she is gay would you stop being their friend? I know I wouldn't, because a true friend accepts you unconditionally. And your parents are the most important friends you have.

Love your dad the way he loves you... unconditionally.

Take care,
Jenny