1. Four and a half thousand people were stranded on a cruise ship off the coast of Mexico with no power, no toilets, no phones, no food (I don’t call Spam and Pop Tarts food). This was worse than the Chilean miners! But here’s the thing: The ship was only 80 miles from shore! They could probably see Mexico from the ship. How long does it take a power boat to go 80 miles & start picking people up?  An hour? What’s the problem? I could have made it to shore in an inner tube.

2. Somali Pirates have freed a  British couple after being held for a year.  Boy, that must have been haarrrrrrrd. Their release must have taken a lot of aarrrrbitration.  Or maybe someone paid a big ransom booty.  I guess they were determined to be freed, by hook or by crook.  Otherwise, it could have been aaarrrrrrmageddon.  Asked if they are glad to finally be free, the couple responded, “Yes, we aarrrrrrrre!”

3. Those with a morbid interest in dirty money spent two million dollars this week on Bernie Madoff’s stuff, like his Rolex, grand piano, and diamond rings… you know, the stuff he STOLE from trusting victims to the tune of Fifty Billion Dollars.  Isn’t that like fencing stolen goods?  Hey, Bernie’s living inside a fence!  How ironic!

4. You don’t supposed Oksana Grigorieva nailed Mel Gibson to further her singing career, do you? If she has a hit record, I’m playing tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers next year.

5. Sarah Palin has a new reality show about Alaska.  Let’s hope she gets voted off.