1. Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married! Kate, are you sure you want to do this? How much do you know about his father? The apple doesn’t fall…etc… What will you do when you discover text messages to another, much older, seriously older, woman?  Well, maybe not text messages, but I’d keep an eye out for homing pigeons.

2. It was bound to happen: they are banning plastic bags at the grocery. So now I’m hoarding my plastic bags in case I can’t get any more.  I have a better idea:  Why don’t they ban check-writing when there are more than 5 people in line. Or ban cell phones. Or ban price checks in the express line: No bar code?  It’s free!  Let’s move it!

3. The public is incensed that Bristol Palin made the finals on Dancing With The Stars. The same people who voted for Bristol will vote for her mother if she runs for president. Let’s hope the mom can dance better than the daughter because if Sarah ever becomes president, she’ll be tap dancing in the White House.

4. Eva Longoria is divorcing that guy Tony-something. What’s it gonna take for cheaters to learn to STOP TEXTING?!? Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods? Here’s how not to get caught:  Pick up the phone, hook up at a Red Roof Inn, and if you get busted, hide the golf clubs.

5. Airport screening is out of control. They could avoid all the screening with a new mandatory flyer’s dress code: Tights and a Tank Top – No Underwear! Think about it. Ballet tights are comfortable for a long flight, there’s nowhere to hide anything, and they don’t have to touch your junk when it’s shrink-wrapped like that.