Sara writes…
Dear Jenny,
Hi my name is Sara and I am 23 years old. For the past 4 1/2 years I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since my boyfriend and I broke up. He was my high school sweetheart, my first true love.. and I really loved him. Well we were on and off for awhile until he finally found a new girlfriend who he has been with for almost 2 years. I’ve been dating around, trying to find a new guy.. but the problem is I just keep getting too attached too quickly and I always seem to end up getting my heart broken. I feel almost desperate to find someone to love me again, but time after time it just keeps ending up in heartache for me. I’m beginning to think that I will never have a real relationship again. I dream of getting married and becoming a mom and I feel like time is just passing me by and all of my friends have boyfriends and some are already married with kids. I know 23 is still young, and my mom tells me I still have “time”.. but what happens when I’m 40 years old and still alone? I don’t know, I feel like maybe I never really got over my ex and it’s hindering me from truly being happy. I mean don’t get me wrong – there are guys who try to date me but all the nice guys I don’t like, and all the bad guys I fall head over heels for. I’m just sick of crying myself to sleep at night and I want to find someone without pushing them away. Please help.. I don’t know how much more of this loneliness I can take.

My response…
Dear Sara,
I can feel the pain in your words. Where do I start? If you’ve been truly depressed for 4 1/2 years, you probably should talk to a professional who can treat your depression. However, if you’ve just been moping for 4 1/2 years, that’s a different story. I know it’s tough to lose your first love – it happened to me too and I admit that I still think about him. But it’s more wondering who he is today as a person. On a side note, I just heard from another old boyfriend that I was crazy about years ago, and now that he’s older, he’s a completely different (& not-so-nice) person – and not the Mr. Perfect I thought he was! But at the time he was my dream guy. People change as they get older, so even though teenagers are in crazy love, once they develop into adults, a lot of times they grow apart and find a more compatible partner. If you believe in fate, your ex is not the guy for you. I believe it’s actually better NOT to be tied down at 23. In about 5 more years, you’ll know better who you are and you won’t need a man to validate you. Right now you’re sounding desperate and nothing scares a good man away faster than a desperate woman. You even said you feel “almost desperate to find someone to love me again.” My advice? Stop looking for a man. You don’t need one right now. We need to find you first. Focus on your career, your work, and on yourself. You can choose not to be lonely. Go out with friends, join a gym, volunteer, take classes in something new, take a second job, do positive things and your self esteem will grow and you will soon be a new, confidant woman (the kind good men like). I think you keep falling for bad guys because that’s all you think you deserve. Soon you’ll be telling those bad guys to take a hike! If you build up your confidence, you won’t feel like you “need” a man. And as soon as you don’t need one, the right guy will find you.

Jenny