Why is this happening to me? This thing was at my front door today! I opened the door and it was inches from coming inside. What?? At first I thought somebody was playing a joke and it was plastic, but then it moved. I was so stunned I truly was speechless. In 40 years of living in Southern California, I have never seen a scorpion. I did not think they lived here. This is bad, right? Not really.

Here’s the really bad news: Denis said, “Oh, there was one in my office last week but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to scare you.”

“What?!?” (I swear I just felt something on my neck! – I’ve gotta go)

Let’s just call it what it is.

Bird food. New name? Squirrel food.

You would think a birdhouse hanging on a single wire would keep out these mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, bird food-stealing squirrels!

But noooooooooooooo! This was his little private playhouse… until I slammed together two metal pots and he went flying out the side like a frisbee on steroids.  Next time: Mexican jalapeno corn nuts. “Adios, mi amigo. Usted no está bienvenido aqui.”

Goodbye, my flying fuzzy frisbee. Keep flying all the way to Mexico you “sarnoso, rata-encaró, maldito, de los bajos fondos, de ojos pequeños, verdín-chupando, el pájaro ardillas alimento-robando!”

It was unbelievable! I was outside and a red-tailed hawk swooped right over my head and sat up on a wall. I ran in to get my camera, afraid he’d be gone when I got back. But not only was he still there, he stayed there for three hours, switching from tree to wall to roof, and as I kept taking pictures, he didn’t leave. At one point, I was about 20 feet in front of him, in disbelief that he stayed the whole time. After three hours, he flew away, but came back around 6 pm but he didn’t seem as friendly as before. He had a laser-eyed focus on my back hill.  Finally, he turned to me and stared right into my eyes and it was unnerving, but I had to get my pictures! I finally took this last one and ran back in the house. I’m still shaking.

I’ve taken Anonymous’s advice and we’re holding an open house for the squirrel. It’s a lovely buffet of his favorite snack: organic tomatoes. We’re thinking about playing some music and serving cocktails under the pomegranate tree. We even invited all his friends: a couple of rabbits, rats, coyotes, bobcats, and a special shout out to all the rattlesnakes in the area. I hope the squirrel appreciates the special private room we set up just for him. Once he’s inside it turns into a party bus so he can feast on tomatoes as he gets to ride down the freeway and then off to an adventure down a canyon road where he and his tomatoes will get thrown… oops I mean will be dropped off in a… sanctuary… yeah that’s it… a squirrel sanctuary. I think it’s called the I Hope You Choke On Tomatoes and Die Sanctuary. Party on.

I went out to check my pomegranate tree today and they’re gone. My pomegranates are gone! I checked them last week. I had about thirty and they were getting bigger every week. And now they’re gone. They were still rock hard so I didn’t think anything would go after them (they don’t get ripe until October so they had a long way to go). I looked around the area and found this:The seeds are still white for God’s sake. I would have had to take a hammer to crack one open so how could this happen? What kind of mutant zombie vampire squirrel could do this? I give up. I’m despondent. Take everything, you mangy, rat-faced, no-good, low-life, beady-eyed, scum-sucking, fruit-stealing squirrel. I hope you broke your tooth. But you don’t need teeth to eat tomatoes so go ahead, take those too. What else do you like? Peppers? I’ll plant some. I hate to give up but the squirrel has crushed my spirit. Maybe I should take Dana’s advice from July 10th and put some watermelon out for him to eat so he’ll leave other stuff alone. I’ll just wait until I see him and toss it to him. The whole melon. If he survives, he can eat it.

“Grab your camera! Quick!” Denis yelled from the back door and told me to hurry. “Not another snake,” I said. “I think we should move.” Well it was the cutest young deer and it was in the back yard – not up on the hill way behind our house – in the yard! Next to the plum tree full of ripe plums. Denis had just been out picking plums and left the gate open that separates our yard from the wild wild west up there… the coyotes, bobcats, and other unwelcome varmits… but we’ve never had a deer actually in the yard. Deer eat flowers. They eat plums. They eat everything. But this one was so cute! Look at those ears. Look at that face. We were locked in a staring contest as I walked towards him, determined to defend my plums, to let him know this was not an all-you-can-eat buffet. “You’re so cute,” I said. “Now get out!” Tough love hurts.

We decided to skip the patio and have our tea indoors today. And maybe forever.

Click the image above to watch the video

REWARD $10,000 FOR CAPTURE

Listen to me you little punk. If I catch you even glancing at my apple tree, you’re dead.  Like a flat skunk on the side of the road: dead. Like Osama Bin Laden: dead. Like Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s marriage: dead. Do you feel me?

See this picture?

There are seven apples on this branch. The day I see six, I will hunt you down like a menopausal maniac. You’d better watch your back.

Wild birds must love my back yard because we had another visitor this morning.

It’s a California quail and it was sitting up high for a while and as I got closer with my camera, it flew away.

This was the best photo I could get.

I never know what to expect when I walk out to the back yard.

It wasn’t long ago that a beautiful ring-necked pheasant hung around for almost two weeks. He was so regal looking, I had named him “Baron Von Jonesenheimer III.”

He was not afraid of people and everyone who came by was stunned to see him just walking around. We fed him for a few days in hopes he would stay but he finally flew away.

I had my “supposed to be annual but wasn’t” eye exam yesterday. I went to Lenscrafters and there were only two of us customers there but it still took almost two hours. But the good news is my eyes are healthy, but my reading glasses need a new prescription. No wonder I can’t read a dinner menu in a candle-lit restaurant!

We found a fossil in the back yard! Our gardener found it on the hill behind the house and he thinks it’s a fish. We were all pretty excited to think about our little spot being here thousands, million, billions of years ago? And under water? I took this picture with the dime to show the size of it. It makes me wonder what else I would find if I went up there for a dig…maybe some rattlesnake bones? On second thought, I’ll let the gardener go up there. Nothing scares him… except for his wife.