“There’s something you need to see.”  That’s what the gardener said when he knocked on the door this morning. “There’s a very big rattlesnake in the back,” he said.  “Alive?” I asked.  “Not any more, but he’s still moving.”  They always kill my rattlesnakes first, then tell me about it.  But this one was big – about 2 1/2 to 3 feet long, and it was still alive!  I grabbed my camera, put on hard shoes and followed the gardener out.  Even though the snake was injured, it was still scary to be that close.  And I go walking back there all the time.  It was the same spot where the alligator lizard was and I know who would have won that fight. Maybe that’s why I never saw the lizard again.  He was lunch… hell no – more like an appetizer.

It wasn’t a rattlesnake, it’s an Alligator Lizard. Thanks to Rhonda who did some research, I now know what’s lurking in my back yard.  This one is almost exactly the same.  At least the next time I see one, I won’t be needing a ride to the hospital.  Here’s what it said about them…

Alligator Lizards –  Large smooth scales, and a long alligator-like snout. Found almost anywhere except in the deserts, mosty during daylight. Frequently found underneath debris. Commonly found in suburban yards, especially in Southern California.

This was freaky.  This morning I walked around to the bottom of the big hill behind my house, you know the one with the deer, coyotes, bobcats, rattlesnakes, etc…? I was checking one of the plants, looked down and saw this thing…OMG! A rattle snake! Right between my feet!  So I slowly backed away, he flicked his tongue a couple of times, and I decided that was as close to death as I ever wanted to be.  But escaping with my life apparently was not enough.  I had to put on some high boots, get my camera,  and go back to get a picture to see if it really was a rattlesnake.  Now I don’t know what it is.  I think it has feet!  It was about 18 inches long.  A lizard?  A mutant snake? Why am I even living here?

The gardeners just knocked on the door to tell me they found another rattlesnake. They always get out their camera-phones and take pictures.  Did I mention there was a regular (non-rattle) snake here last week, sunning himself on the air conditioner?  It’s thoughtful of the gardeners to come and show me their catch every time, usually dangling at the end of a rake.  It’s the second rattlesnake this season and it was right next to my tomato plant!  What am I supposed to do?  What eats snakes?  I know… hawks!  I have a new job for my plastic hawk.

My back yard is now a No-Squirrel Zone. I finally took off the netting I had wrapped around my apple tree, the plastic hawk is gone, and my lovely Anna apples are getting a pink blush with no poke holes or bite marks.  I still saw two squirrels up in a pine tree making a lot of racket.  They were either fighting or having sex… maybe both, I couldn’t tell.  I’m making salmon patties and roasted potatoes for supper.

I reclaimed my apple tree!  It looks like my squirrel (I’m calling him Gary) doesn’t like spicy food.  So my spray concoction worked although I haven’t eaten one of the apples yet.  I may have to sandblast it before serving. Now I like squirrels again.  My stepmom is back in town with her husband and he is having surgery tomorrow at the VA Hospital.  I’ll be spending most of the day there.  I don’t mind that except we have to be there at 6 am!  I remember a time when I used to get home at 6 am.  Gotta go sleep.

I said, “Bring it,” and he brought it, and some of his friends, apparently.  This morning there were four apples on the ground, mostly eaten.  I put away my plastic hawk last night because it scared away all our beautiful birds and I wrapped the apple tree with netting.  They ate the apples right through the netting. Last year they ate my plums. So I found a special formula to spray on the apples that includes vinegar, canola oil, soap, tabasco, and mustard. Let’s see how my thieving little rodents like them apples!

I’m getting hit from all sides! First the deer (but she’s so cute..) eats everything on my hill, and today my jaw dropped when I saw a squirrel sneaking across the back yard with one of my apples in his mouth! I didn’t want to believe it.  That’s MY apple tree! I planted it! How many has he taken so far?  An apple a day? I grabbed my camera but the stealth rodent disappeared.  They are rodents aren’t they? Sure, they’re cute with their fuzzy little tails but I was so mad I would have bought a squirrel coat today just to get even.  But instead, I bought a plastic hawk and put it in the tree. “Bring it,” squirrel.

I just planted some flowers on the hill behind my house and today I looked out and this deer is stuffing her fat face with everything she can find.  I kept yelling, “Go away! This is not a buffet!” She didn’t even look up. So I barked, trying to sound like a coyote and not a chihuahua, and she finally looked up, still chewing, as if to say, “What’s all the racket? Can you hold it down,  I’m trying to have lunch here.”

It looked like a big leaf with a stem but it was a big rat with a tail at the bottom of the pool. Yuk! I’ve decided it’s better to see a live rat than a dead one because the live ones usually disappear before you get a good look. But when they’re laying on the bottom of the pool with the still water acting as a magnifying glass, you want to turn away but you can’t. So you stare at this humungous rodent with his raccoon hands and buck teeth that can chew through metal, and you think, “If one of these ever gets in the house, I’ll have to move.”